“I don’t wanna be the same as everybody else. That’s why I’m a Mod, see? I mean, you gotta be somebody, ain’t ya, or you might as well as jump in the sea and drown.” Quadrophenia, ‘Jimmy’, played by the iconic Phil Daniels. An apt quote, taken from a 1979 film, which is partly set in Brighton.
The quote is a dilemma for me. I can absolutely equate to not wanting to be the same as everybody else – I’m always perplexed by anyone who wants to just go with the flow and be like everyone else. Why? We have one precious life. So, figure out what you’re about, stand tall and be true to yourself. Easier said than done I know. We usually figure this out with the food that we like to eat, or not as the case may be, so it is possible. However, drowning seems a little histrionic. Although, if you’ve ever seen me swimming, you’d be forgiven for thinking drowning was on my to-do list for the day.
There was no swimming on the docket for our visit to Brighton, which was neatly nestled between sits four and five. If you’re interested in reading about why we were in Brighton as middle-aged ravers (ugh, I don’t even like typing middle-aged, and yet I’ve just written it twice) then here’s Nell’s blog post.
My reason for writing this post is to reflect on our time spent in this amazing city. I spent a lot of time in Brighton during my twenties and early thirties before moving here aged thirty-two. This is a long story so grab a mug of something, get comfy and settle in.
Regular readers will know that I was effectively made homeless at the age of eighteen. My reaction to this was to find a place to rent with my partner at the time, Angella. Her parents were kind enough to take me in until we found somewhere to rent. I got a job and learnt to drive. My sights were set on obtaining a mortgage at the age of nineteen. Nothing on earth was going to stop me from doing this. I craved security and stability, even though looking back on it, I was putting the cart before the horse.
At the age of fifteen, I was a volunteer in a residential home for teenagers with learning disabilities. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door and ask if they ever had volunteers; they directed me to the person in charge and asked me to fill in an application from. Upon reflection, I was looking for a stable family and almost any type of family setting would do.
Over time the person in charge was replaced by Angella, who at the time was a goth. If she reads this then she’ll probably argue this point under some technicality, but she was dressed from head-to-toe in black, wore some amazing make-up and had short punky black hair. Yes, the definition of a goth.
I got to know her and felt like she was a breath of fresh air in my world, plus, she was getting to embody all the things that I wanted in my life. My mother seemed to despise my strong and individual character, telling me on a regular basis that I was wrong and that I should be like everyone else.
As time went on, my friendship with Angella developed. I had my first taste of a ‘gay pub’ in Portsmouth, and we went to some ‘gay clubs’ in Southampton and Portsmouth. My hair was short, I became vegetarian, and wore heavy make-up and black clothes – yes, I became a cliché of an 80s militant queer woman, and I loved it!! Upon reflection, I didn’t really know who I was. It felt great to experiment and channel the inner rage I had been required to keep a lid on since childhood.
As I went into my early twenties, I began to explore the world of therapy; always from the point of view of being a therapist and not imagining for a single second that I’d have to have therapy. However, by the time I reached the diploma level of the training then I realised that it was mandatory. This proved utterly pivotal in my life and something that I’m grateful for to this day. Along the way, I also came to reluctantly grasp that although I really loved Angella and still do to this day, it’s a strong sisterly love. What I craved was to go out in the world and spread my wings.
I haven’t lived my life in a linear manner. If I were a type of stitch, bear with me here, I’d be a zigzag. It may also look like the sewing machine had a poltergeist in it because it would undoubtedly have a few crazy loops for artistic flair. To the outside world, I had conquered many of life’s big milestones by the age of nineteen. However, my inner world knew that I was like a charity shop jigsaw puzzle missing its box – difficult to figure out and with missing pieces.
After a couple of relationships with cisgender men I knew that, for me, it was more about the person than the gender. I also knew that I wanted to live somewhere different to where I’d lived for nine or so years. Eventually, I moved to Brighton. Coincidentally, I moved to this vibrant city on the same day as my dad’s birthday, the 11th of September; a day that has become recognised around the world for another reason.
Here in Brighton, I grew to enjoy my own company for the first time in my life. I explored various places, people, pastimes, etc. It was a city where you can be anything you want to be, much like London, but with the sea on your doorstep. I had a wild and crazy time in this city with exploits that would make your hair a different texture by the end of reading it, so I’ll spare you, and your hair, the details.
I’d also met Nell just at the point of moving to Brighton. A bright young woman who was still at university studying Maths. She took my breath away with her wit, intellect, and verve for life. Nell had visited and lived in a few different countries, which intrigued me. She beguiled me from the get-go, but she was seeing someone when I first met her, so we became friends. As our friendship grew, luckily for me, she became single and eventually we got together.
I had always sworn that I wouldn’t have a relationship with someone who was significantly younger than me. Best laid plans of mice and men… I didn’t want to feel responsible for someone, nor could I imagine how the maturity levels would align. Wrong. On. Every. Count! I couldn’t have wished for someone better suited. We’re a bit like apple pie and custard. You can have one without the other, but it works best when you have both together. Or, since Nell likes to involve numbers, "we're greater than the sum of our parts".
Nell was living in Guildford, Surrey because she was at the University of Surrey. We got together when she was doing a year in industry in London. So, I relocated to her hometown, and we lived in house share – see what I mean about a zigzag line? Guildford couldn’t have been more different to Brighton; however, it gave me a sense of stability and structure.
Part of the feeling of steadiness came from spending a lot of time with Nell's family. I adored being surrounded by books and the cosiness of their family. From here I found my feet, and the space to breathe. Subsequently, I made a series of wise choices that have stood me in good stead to this day. My most important wise choice was to marry Nell. Well, we had to settle for Civil Partnership in 2007 and then we got to upgrade to marriage in 2015. However, that’s a whole other story and this isn’t a political blog.
Over the last twenty-one years, we’ve lived in Guildford, Edinburgh, Linlithgow, Sydney, Tunbridge Wells, London (well, only just as it was in zone 6), Tonbridge, and Seattle. We’ve also travelled extensively throughout Europe and North America. During this time, Nell has always encouraged me to be myself. I honestly couldn’t have asked for more. So, the only thing I’ll be drowning in is champagne and I won’t do that because, well, it’s a waste. I am half-Scottish after all.